This weekend I found myself deep in the research again around habits, mindset and what sets people apart who create breakthroughs from a life of addiction and those who continue to struggle.
One of the keys to success that stands out for me with those who are thriving and free of food obsessions (and all drugs really) is that they’ve created a positive, empowered inner identity – or mental picture of who they are – that is NOT an addict. And along with that mental vision for who they see themselves as, they consistently reinforce and empower themselves with a positive self-talk diet. They also consume things with a high vibration that keep them aligned with their best and most authentic self.
They feed their mind, body and soul with things that uplift and energize them.
Allow me to give you an example of how I saw a correlation to this in my world.
A few years ago I was “on the market” and friends talked about meeting great guys online so I thought why not?! I went onto a few sites, found guys with nice pictures and profiles and went out with a few here and there.
Just like me, these guys put their best picture(s) on their profile. Some guys I’d meet looked cute in a head shot, but when we were in person I found out they were big men and pretty out of shape.
Health and vitality is my number one value. I quickly realized I needed to get better at filtering out men who weren’t taking good care of themselves because our lifestyles wouldn’t be a good match.
I began to notice if a guy had a double chin or big cheeks he was usually out of shape. This was a sign for me he wasn’t into being active and taking care of his health like I was.
Sorry if this is a little crude or TMI, but bear with me. There is a point here!
You see, I’m in my mid-40’s and the guys I was looking at were in their 40’s – 50’s. Yet, when I stepped back and looked at pictures of guys who were younger, say 20’s-30’s, very few of them had double chins or big cheeks. But it was very noticeable how many men in their 40’s and 50’s were carrying extra weight as a result of their unhealthy lifestyle choices.
Just like people who make poor food choices and don’t exercise or move their bodies regularly you can see it on the outside. Especially later in life. The divide between healthy and unhealthy gets wider and bigger when you reach your 40’s and 50’s.
Are you beginning to see the correlation to your mindset?
The same cumulative effect is true for your mind and the results in your life. Unfortunately, I’ve found the effects of our thinking often show up much sooner. When new clients contact me for coaching and in they’re in their 30’s and 40’s they’re often wrapped up so tight in a mental prison of restriction, control and fear they are literally sick and tired of their own thoughts….and ready for that breakthrough!
If you spend every day feeding your mind a negative self-talk diet (“I’m fat/worthless/lazy/not perfect”), taking in a negative environment (friends/family/colleagues, media, magazines/social media) and not being more intentional about what you say to yourself – your inner dialogue – you will absolutely have the same results the men on these websites had.
Your inner mental health will be just as out of shape.
Remember: You can’t expect a positive life with a negative mind.
If you’re living every day with disempowering thoughts of restriction, control, scarcity, worry, anxiety, shame and a host of other negative thoughts you will feel like a prisoner of your own mind.
To free yourself you must unlock the cage you’ve created in your mind and that involves feeding yourself a “positive thought diet”.
The things we feed our mind are eventually what we become. We CAN shape ourselves. One…thought…at…a…time.
Here’s where we get back to my earlier comments about looking at my own life to provide you with ideas and inspirations to help you get started on your positive thought diet.
What I will lay out here are some examples of the things I enjoy consuming daily to give you ideas for your own mental conditioning.
Abraham Hicks Videos – one of my favorite teachers with high vibration content
If you’re a fan of Tony Robbins like me and you’ve seen him live this video I AM THE VOICE will rev you up! If you haven’t seen him life – GO! This video may not pump you up as much as if you’ve seen him live.
I invite you before you walk away from this to create a stretch goal for yourself.
What is ONE activity you can act on this week that will be a small step towards positively conditioning your mind every day? What’s one thing you’ll stop or start doing today?
The importance of starting today is because you’ll lose momentum if you wait until tomorrow. You MUST do it TODAY!
Keep in mind you don’t want the activities to be too far away from where you are or your [self]identity will pull you back into your comfort zone and sabotage you in the first week. Too much and too big of a change is a LOT for the mind and body to overcome. With a strong why, it’s possible, but not always do-able for most people. Just get started with one small thing.
Some ideas to cut back on habits that don’t serve you:
Change the timing or stop watching the news before bed or first thing in the morning – check the headlines once a day instead of in your most critical energy hours around sleep.
Cut back on your social media time. I had a rule for a while because I was such a Pinterest addict that I’d set a clock and only enjoy it for 6 minutes. Clock timer went off, I shut it down. With this approach, I felt the pleasure I wanted to in a quick burst and it didn’t keep me from all of the other great things I wanted to do that day.
Some ideas to incorporate habits that do serve you:
Listen to one positive video for 5-10 minutes every day.
Spend 5-10 minutes with one of your favorite authors who lifts you up and inspires you every day.
Meditate 5 minutes a day every day.
Take a 10 -15 minute nap or lay down in the afternoon (or when you’re regularly worn out or reaching for that caffeine pick me up).
It’s the daily consistency that will bring you the best results.
I’m not sure you heard that, so let me say it again.
IT’S THE DAILY CONSISTENCY THAT WILL BRING YOU THE BEST RESULTS.
Try something new on a small scale for a minimum of 1-2 weeks. If you can keep consistent with a small thing, consider expanding to it (go from 5 minutes/day to 10 minutes/day). Once you’ve hit 30 days commit to 60 days and thereafter. After 60 days you will have a new positive habit that supports you.
This, my friend, is how you change your life.
Seems simple…and it is.
It’s not easy if you have a practiced identity constructed and reinforced daily with negative conditioning.
But you can change your mind one thought, one day at a time. I promise.
Now it’s time to decide what to do, commit to doing it and put in place whatever you need to make sure you DO IT!
“Champions do in private what it takes to be called champions in public.”
I love that message so not too surprising I find myself repeating it a lot lately. To myself, to clients, and amongst friends.
The idea of a champion seems to be showing up everywhere for me so I took a moment to really consider why I feel this quote is such an important message.
The underlying theme in that quote for me is about alignment. Aligning our thoughts, energy and actions with our goals, our dreams, our intentions. It’s about be-ing and do-ing what it takes in each moment to line up with and manifest our dreams into reality.
It’s about being who you said you were going to be…through and true…inside and out.
As I reflect on coaching calls when I hear clients stumble with their commitments and fall back (sometimes self-sabotaging) into old patterns and unwanted habits I notice the pattern is tied to being out of alignment. They’re not be-ing and do-ing what they want most.
Another way of looking at alignment to me is the word “integrity”. One definition of integrity says, “the state of being whole and undivided.”
Integrity is the basis of self-confidence if you ask me.
It’s that inner fortitude that comes from being your word. Integrity is also about being honest. Being honest with yourself….especially when no one is watching.
When I keep my word to myself, in small and big ways, I fill my inner well of self-assurance. I reinforce within myself and to my Self that I have the ability to act, to stand up and be my best Self; to lean into doing bigger and harder things because I know deep within that I’ve been able to try and do what I said I would do…especially when no one is watching.
When I was in the throws of bulimia I remember being resigned to do anything that would lead to recovery.
I gave up. After 20 years of half-hearted trying…I quit.
I stopped working on changing my binge eating habits…because I didn’t trust myself.
I told myself soooo many times, “This is the last time! Tomorrow I’m not doing this again!”
Well, you know what happened. Within 24 hours I was right back into my old binge habits stuffing my face with everything in sight.
And with every bite I ate into my integrity.
I repeatedly damaged and destroyed the most important relationship I had; the relationship with my Self.
Today, I take on bigger things in business, in relationships and personal challenges like 12-hour adventure races that call me to be more than I was yesterday.
I now have confidence in myself because I’m be-ing and do-ing what a champion does. Not for anyone in the outside world…for me…and especially when no one is watching.
In those moments when I’m the only one around I don’t let myself down. I do that last burpee. I write that last email. I honor my commitments to others, but now I especially honor my commitments to my Self.
The more I study my new [post eating disorder] mindset I realize this integrity with my Self is the backbone of discipline…and of success.
Keeping my word is a cornerstone that allows me to create great things in my life.
When I’m alone with me…just me and hours of race training…or just me and the fridge…I have such presence of mind, such inner alignment with who I am and who I want to be in the world that I don’t give in or give up.
I don’t let my champion sit on the bench when I’m by myself.
You see, I find clients who fall back on their commitments to change their bad habits give up on themselves when no one’s around. They let themselves off the hook because no one’s watching.
They let their champion sit on the sidelines when they’re triggered and their old habits show up.
And it doesn’t always look like what you might think, but it may sound familiar.
Letting their champion sit this one out sounds like….
…I’ve already eaten a little too much, I might as well just go all in and eat a ton now and start over tomorrow.
…I’m bored [or lonely] and I’d rather turn to food so I don’t feel these uncomfortable feelings right now.
…I don’t feel like exercising even though I know I’ll feel better if I do.
…I am exhausted but I’d rather run on empty than rest or take a short time out to reset my energy.
…I’m feeling overwhelmed or anxious, but I’d rather distract myself with food or a drink or cigarettes – or make up stories – than catch my breath and get things straight in my mind.
Your inner champion is that part of you that’s aligned with your highest self. The self you most want to be. The one who cares for her-self so she can care for other people. The one who talks kindly to herself instead of letting negative self-talk get her down.
I want to share with you My 5 Tips for Strengthening Your Inner Champion:
1. Daily affirmations of “I AM ENOUGH. I AM WORTH IT.” – repeating a few times each morning or more frequently throughout your day. Look at affirmations as the birthplace of belief. If you want to change your mindset and old limiting beliefs, regularly and consistently repeating affirmations with energy and emphasis can reprogram your subconscious and nervous system for action. Meaning…you will eventually live into believing that YOU ARE ENOUGH and YOU ARE WORTH IT. Champions believe both.
2. Visualizing or journaling about your dreams regularly – I write down my intentions for the next 6-12 months every morning. I also do closed eye visualizations for about 5 minutes every morning before I get out of bed. Rehearsing the life you want to live and who you want to be conditions your mind for that reality. You become what you think about. The more often you spend time with the woman you want to be, the more likely she is to show up when you need her.
3. Pay attention to every decision – I find that it’s rarely big decisions that need to change in order for me to live like a champion. But I can’t live like a champion when I make bad [small] choices. Don’t neglect or let your champion down on small decisions or choices. Be her in every choice. Act like you have a board of directors watching your every move watching how you’re living your life. Would your board of directors say your small choices were those of a champion? If not, remember to choose like a champion.
4. Listen to your inner dialogue – Integrity is based on trust, not lies. When we let our champion sit on the sidelines we’re often lying to ourselves. In those moments you find yourself out of integrity with yourself, choose again. The story you tell yourself about what this or that means, doing what you said you would or even how you treat yourself with your inner conversation are crucial to standing tall like a champion. Are you letting your thoughts and words kill your champion or letting her rise up?
5. Small wins build champion muscles – top athletes train for years building muscles each week, each day, each moment to step into the arena for that one grand event. Champions spend much more time be-ing and do-ing champion acts outside the arena…especially when no one is watching…in order to have success. Find small ways to win with yourself. Set yourself up in small ways to stretch and do something, keep your commitment to yourself and remember to call yourself a champion. Rinse and repeat… and repeat…and repeat. Champions do it over and over and over. Keep being your word to yourself in small areas of your life and watch your confidence bloom until you feel unstoppable.
If you’ve made it this far through my message, you’re ready for a change.
I invite you NOW, as your coach, to step into one of these 5 tips and to take it on this week.
What one thing will you do differently, as a champion, this week that can make a difference tomorrow?
Remember, we become what we repeatedly do so what acts, what thoughts, what little choices will you shift this week….and forever…that will get you going in the direction you want in life? To be-ing who you know you are here to be.
Guest article by Meera Watts, founder of Siddhi Yoga (bio at end of article).
When you decide with your heart in life, it becomes the kind of life that is full of bliss.
The most devout Buddhists and deeply spiritual people will attest to living life with your heart. It is the place of honesty and pure love that negates all the fear you have.
The mind is where the fear lives. It is where you go when you live in the past or worry about the future. The heart is the here and now. Meditation helps you live more with your heart while letting go of what the mind tells you based on lessons it learned long ago.
Your Subconscious-The Inner Voice
What you may not realize is the inner voice that you listen to takes its information from past situations. The subconscious is what holds all the old data and if a new situation arises or perhaps an old situation revisited, your mind searches for an answer to how to deal with the situation. It may perceive the situation as dangerous even when it’s not as it has triggered something in you. For example, burnt toast might make you panic and run out of the kitchen if you’ve been involved in a fire before. Most people would just curse and run to pop up the toast but we all deal with things differently based on experience.
So how can you get what you truly want in life when the mind is constantly feeding you with fear of the unknown or the once-tried-but-failed events in your life? Through meditation.
One of the most profound ways you can resolve conflicts between your head and heart is by shutting up that inner voice for a little while. While the mind does have its place, it often feeds you information based on fear. Allowing the heart to be your guide means first letting go of the mind for a little while. When you meditate regularly, you learn to control the mind so it chatters less. In Buddhism, it is referred to the monkey mind and you can’t let it run ramped or you may never get what you truly desire in life.
How Meditation Shuts the Mind Up
Closing your eyes, sitting in a peaceful environment, and taking breaths to help you relax will allow the mind to slow down a little. When you can sit in the quiet peace, you’ll notice your mind much more. To turn off the light on the voice, observe or judge what it is saying. It is usually negative chatter anyway so it serves you no purpose. As you pay attention to your breath and allow your third eye to open, you may notice a gentle buzzing in your body or light radiating around you. If you get into this space and the mind is quiet, you may start to get visualizations.
With your heart open wide and your mind silent, you may begin to see what you really want in life. Maybe even things you didn’t know were possible.
Conflicts in Life Between the Heart and Mind
If you’re in love with someone but they aren’t meeting your expectations, this is a good example of the mind to heart conflict. Your mind tells you to be afraid that they will take advantage of you. Maybe this comes from a past relationship or low self-esteem that nobody could truly ever love you back. Whatever your reasons, you are allowing your mind to work you up to the point you’re going to end it. There really is no logical reason based on the immediate present. You just feel afraid to get hurt and you can’t pinpoint why.
Then your loved one calls or they come home and all that uncertainty disappears. Your heart can rule your life once again and you can feel at peace in your relationship. The thing is, one day your partner may disappoint you and your heart might be tested. If this happens, the practice of meditation can come in and help you out of your hole. Trying to work with reasoning probably won’t help and your heart and mind will play tug-of-war.
Immediate Meditation Benefits
When you have an experience where you’re panicking or unsure in your life, a little meditation can help correct your anguish. Close your eyes standing, sitting, or laying. Take a deep breath in and concentrate on opening your third eye. It sits just above your brow line right in the middle of your forehead. When you can tap into the 6th chakra, you re able to see life in a different way. Continue to breathe in deeply and hold your breath at the top and bottom for a count of 4. Breathe through the thoughts that are causing fear and anxiety in your body. Open your chest up and allow your heart to be present.
The subconscious mind is important for things like how to run away from a Wholly Mammoth. Now that our lives are much less about surviving, this part of us isn’t as necessary. It does try to infiltrate every moment of our lives whether we need it or not. When you meditate, you give your heart a chance to speak your truth about what you really want. Through breathing and relaxing you allow the mind to quiet down so you can make rational decisions on a conscious level.
Author Bio: Meera Watts is a yoga teacher, entrepreneur and mom. Her writing on yoga and holistic health has appeared in Elephant Journal, Yoganonymous, OMtimes and others. She’s also the founder and owner of Siddhi Yoga International.
Feeling frustrated [with yourself] and want to create a lasting change in your life?
Inspiration for Sharing the Steps to Lasting Change
As I’m writing this I’ve just returned from volunteering for 5 days in Los Angeles at Tony Robbins’ Unleash the Power Within (#tonyrobbinsUPW) workshop. A four-day intensive that helps people breakthrough their old limiting beliefs, regain that inner confidence and certainty that they can be, do or have whatever they want in their life.
As I was preparing for this trip and on the drive back and forth to LA I began re-listening to his program called Creating Lasting Change. I’m in the process of developing a video program that will launch later this year to help people with binge eating habits overcome what’s blocked them so they can have a breakthrough to lasting change (i.e. be binge free or bulimia free).
I’m a huge fan of Tony’s work and his material on creating lasting change is great content to incorporate into my program. I’m inspired by what I saw last week during UPW and want to spread some of his ideas, sprinkled with my own flair, here on how to create a lasting change in any area of your life. For the purposes of this article I’m going to speak specifically some times to people with eating disorders, but these steps can be applied to anything including smoking, eating, drinking, drugs or any compulsive habit you feel you haven’t been able to break free from.
Changing Old Patterns, Habits or Addictions – The Foundation
Before I dive into the five steps to creating lasting change in any area of your life I want to lay a quick foundation for my eating disorder readers, but a lot of this applies universally so you may want to review just to be sure you’re checking off all the areas of self-care that you can.
If you’re restricting food or over exercising, it’s important you understand that your mind and body need essential nutrients from healthy foods to best support you during this process. I strongly encourage you to suspend your belief that you’ll get fat if you eat normally just for the duration of this process. Under eating, eating junk foods and treating your body like a garbage can isn’t going to adequately support the brain functioning you need to make lasting changes in your life.
My request to you is that you first commit to these guidelines:
Eat three moderate and balanced meals (healthy fats, proteins and carbs) for the next 30 days. Eat healthy snacks when you get hungry. Don’t restrict or be trying to diet or lose weight right now. That’s counter productive to this work and will be distracting and could take you out.
Drink 8 glasses of water a day. Tea is ok, but try to avoid caffeine as much as possible and no sugary drinks. Yes, many fruit shakes and healthy-looking drinks have tons of sugar so read labels and avoid beverages with lots of grams of sugar. No diet sodas – period.
Avoid foods advertised as “low fat”. Low fat foods are commonly compensated for with other ingredients and your body needs healthy fats, so breakthrough the brainwashing and start eating healthy fat foods again.
Get 20-30 minutes of movement a day. Can be calm or aggressive movement, but be moving your body to get your heart rate slightly elevated such as you would during a brisk walk.
Breath deeply whenever you can remember to.
Get plenty of sleep. This is a unique number for every person, but on average you will want to be sleeping between 7-8 hours a night. Just do it, ok.
Cut back on decision making including small things – decision making and rest are two of the biggest drains on willpower.
Take short naps whenever possible to keep your energy and emotional state in a centered place.
These are just some of the basic ways you can support yourself best while you’re working on yourself to create lasting changes. These are part of my personal guidelines for extreme self care and taking great care of yourself during a period of personal development is essential. If you’re not loving and caring for your whole self, things can break down. This creates the foundation for the work you’re about to begin on yourself. Don’t skimp here. Go all in or come back to do the work when you’re on track with your self-care routines.
5 Steps to Creating Lasting Change in Your Life
Step 1: Know Where You Are
I often call this step “Get Real”, but I also like the analogy of a road trip. If you pull out a map and want to go to New York, you need to know where you’re starting in order to know if you should go north, south, east or west.
In this step, you need to spend some time reflecting on where you really are. I mean…really are.
Much of the time in addictions and bad habits we spend lying to ourselves about how we are or how bad things really are. It’s time to get real about things.
If you want to make a real change in your life, you’ve got to own up to what you’re doing to yourself and those around you. Here are some questions to help you get clear on where you are and be honest with yourself:
Describe your current nutritional habits and philosophies around food (or your chosen addiction).
Describe your three most common [binge] trigger moments and the following ritual/patterns (how things play out once you’re triggered).Where are you? What are you doing? Who’s there? What’s being said? How are you feeling? What do you tell yourself in that moment? Etc
What is your earliest memory of noticing your weight/size (or whatever issue you’re dealing with)? What happened? Who was there? What was said? What did you tell yourself at the time?
What does being fat mean to you today? If overeating isn’t your challenge, what is the biggest fear you have and what’s the story you tell yourself about it?
If you were completely honest with yourself, how do your habit patterns serve you? What’s this really about for you?
These questions are meant to get you thinking and feeling. Perhaps in ways you haven’t thought or felt before. This is about realizing the brainwashing you’ve been telling yourself over the years that’s held this pattern in place.
If you’ve been honest, like really honest, you’re probably having a holy shit moment. You’re a smart person and you’re realizing that all this business is your doing. You’re the one truly causing all this suffering to go on…and you’re the only one who has the power to change it.
Both the curse AND the blessing. You’re coming to realize in one honest sit down with yourself that this thing really is all in your control. That’s the good news. Relish in knowing you are where you are and that with complete and utter honesty, you now know the truth of what you’re doing.
Self-awareness is key. Self-care and self-love must go hand in hand as you move forward. So, be mindful of how you take care of yourself through these next few steps, but don’t back down. Incredible honesty is important, and so are courage and commitment.
Heres’s a video to get you started on your process
Step 2 – Get Leverage
I’m borrowing the title for this step (leverage) from Tony Robbins. On the coattail of getting real and knowing where you are, you need to now go a little deeper.
You see, you’re in the situation you’re in because you’ve convinced yourself that where you’re at is better than your alternatives. Overeating when you’re stressed or bored is a better alternative in your mind than feeling the discomfort of stress or boredom. You’d rather do what you’re doing to yourself than face the unknown if you were to live without this behavior.
You see, some time long ago when you were developing your survival or coping skills as a young person something happened that caused you to seek out this behavior. You got a payoff or reward from overeating/purging and the brain linked up that this was a good alternative than the pain or expected pain of your alternatives.
Habits are created when the brain links up a behavior to avoid pain or go towards pleasure (more often to avoid pain). For a lot of my coaching clients, and my personal bulimic behavior, was driven by the desire to avoid the pain of those uncomfortable feelings like stress, anxiety, fear, worry, doubt, frustration, or boredom just to name a few.
Well, in this step it’s time to face the music and allow yourself to feel your feelings. You’re not going to necessarily experience all of the feelings you haven’t wanted to face, but the discomfort of continuing to do this thing you’re doing. To get connected to the suffering you’re already experiencing by not changing.
In order to overcome those powerful neuro-associations your brain has created that link your habits to seeming pleasure, you’ve got to link massive pain to continuing to do what you’ve been doing. Otherwise, the brain will go the easy route and continue to fire those patterns whenever you’re triggered.
When I work with people 1:1 in coaching I’m able to take them through a guided visualization process that really goes deep into accessing the suffering, the pain, the discomfort they’re experiencing and turn up the pressure on it so it becomes really unbearable. This forces the brain to find another, less painful route to help you survive.
To help you get leverage and begin to put the brain into a state of really experiencing the suffering that this pattern is truly causing you, sit quietly and answer the following questions:
If you were to stand outside of yourself, looking at your behaviors in this area of your life over the years and now, why are you really doing this?
What’s living this way cost you so far? List all of the costs or things you’ve lost or given up to keep this behavior going over the years.
What will it cost you in the future if you keep/start doing it again? What could you lose, who would not be in your life or what would you miss out on if you keep this up (start up again)?
It’s important you not only think about the answers, but imagine the experiences and let the feelings really sink in. Allow those uncomfortable feelings to sink down into your body, your nervous system, and truly connect with what you’ve been avoiding.
You want to get through this, you’ve got to go through this.
“The only way out is through.”
One final thought on leverage. If you create enough pain and leverage, you can change any behavior. Without leverage, this is why you’ve fallen off the wagon in the past. Really go all-in during this process and give it all you’ve got. If you want the change, you’ve got to be willing to go super deep to feel the pain at a greater level than you’ve ever allowed yourself in the past. The brain HAS to link up the pain so severely that it MUST change.
Step 3 – Create a Compelling Future
My sincere hope if you’ve made it this far is that you’re not just reading this over, but are actually taking the time to work this process. It works on you and through you if you’ll work it and give it all you’ve got.
Now that you’ve gone this far, you’re probably in a pretty yucky place. But you won’t be for long.
You’ve done the hard part – getting real with yourself about the current state of life you’re creating and then went on to get some leverage. You truly felt the suffering states you’ve been living in and the costs involved both in the past and into your future if you keep this crap up.
So stop it!
Well, ok. I know just saying “cut that stuff out!” isn’t going to get you to do it because if it could, you would have done it already.
I’m excited to tell you if you’ve truly given steps 1 and 2 your all and will now complete the rest of the steps you CAN truly create a breakthrough in your life. A lasting change that will take you to where you most want to go.
So in this step of creating a compelling future it’s all about envisioning the best possible outcome for your new life. Again, if you were a coaching client I’d walk you through a guided visualization to develop your new vision. In lieu of that, here are questions to get you going in that direction. Take these on from a quiet, reflective place or even do your own visualization process at home once you’ve read the questions.
What is life about? What’s most important to you – in yourself and the world around you?
Where do you see yourself after you’ve broken free from this habit?
What does life on your terms look like?
Who is now in your life? Who is no longer in your life?
What are you able to do or enjoy that you haven’t been able to before?
What are the best feelings that you experience most often because you’ve set yourself free?
What’s the best part of changing your life? What are you most proud of or excited about?
It’s important if you answer or visualize these questions that you do it from a place of them having already happened. So when you imagine yourself living and feeling the feelings of your new life, do so as if you’re already there. You’ve broken free – how does life feel now? Imagine in done and you’re in it…now.
Step 4 – Interrupt Your Patterns
Great, you’ve done the work to understand where you are, got leverage by feeling the pain and suffering you’re creating, and you now have a freakin compelling vision calling you forward in your life.
All of this work is laying the foundation for what’s ahead. Where the rubber meets the road you might say.
These next two steps are all about creating new memories for the brain to pull from and pathways for it to go down when you get triggered in the future.
You see, your life isn’t going to suddenly and magically change. Meaning, you won’t all of a sudden not have stress or frustration or boredom. Hardly. These things will show up at some point. Your inner work will definitely serve to create a ripple effect of change in your life, however you’ve got to be real and know that you don’t magically wake up and poof you never want to do that thing again. Well, it can happen, but for most of you we’re going to reinforce the change in two ways.
In this step it’s all about interrupting the old pathways the brain goes down that leads it to the old pattern of behavior (your addiction/habit loop) that it has so conveniently installed years ago.
Interrupting your brain’s old neuro pathways is done by either working with someone like me in the moment to break you out of your hypnosis or helping through visualization to scramble the memories and old patterns the brain has linked up.
Here’s the next video about this to help you through the next part of your process
Step 5 – Condition the New State or Pattern
You are freakin rocking this! If you’ve made it this far I want you to take a moment to acknowledge yourself for the work you’re doing. Yes, stop reading for a moment and say to yourself “I freakin’ rock!” If that’s too bold, go for “I am doing great work on myself and I know this will benefit me now and long into the future. I’m worth it.”
Cool. You are worth it and you are creating lasting change so kudos to you!!
Now, ready for the last step? Fan-tas-tic.
Here goes (apologies for calling it step 6 – there are only 5 steps! lol)
The final step to this process to creating a breakthrough to lasting change in your life is conditioning. Conditioning your mind and body for the new pattern. In brain science they know that habit loops need to be replaced, not removed.
You’ve interrupted your old pattern and the brain is now seeking a new pathway. Time to install a new pattern for it to follow that will create the change you want in your life.
For example, let’s say your old habit loop looked like you went running for tubs of ice cream or chocolate when you’d be stressed after a long day of work (ok, maybe that’s just my old pattern, but I’m sure there are a few of you out there who can totally relate).
My old pattern was that I would work hard at work all day, answering angry customer calls, taking the brunt of criticism from my boss, rushing around trying to complete way too much work in way too little time only to have this wave or mountain of stress and pressure build up inside me. By mid-day the pressure was so powerful I would decide in my mind “ok, I’m going to totally hit the grocery store on the way home and buy a ton of food and eat it all the way home.”
Just saying that thought to myself, envisioning that future after a super stressful day of work made me feel a lot better in the moments leading up to it. My trigger was the stacking of the stress all throughout my day. My pattern was to decide to binge eat, hit the store and eat everything on my commute home and purge when I walked in the door. I might do it a few more times that night, but for years I did that almost every day of my life.
Gosh, reliving that right now just makes me so sad for the young woman I was then and what I put myself through. No words to express how these feelings of sorrow about the many years of bad things I did to myself took their toll on my joy, my happiness and my body.
Wait, where was I? Oh, yes. Conditioning. Whew…got a little side tracked by the wave of emotions of remembering all that nastiness I used to do.
Conditioning. Yes. Let’s move ahead shall we?
In the previous step you worked with your imagination to break up your old patterns and in this step you’ll use that same beautiful imagination of yours to condition a new pattern.
If I were coaching myself given the story I just shared with you about how I went about my days in the peak of my bulimia, I would tell myself to work each day to visualize a new outcome.
For example, there are many alternative pathways I could follow to relieve the stress in a healthier way. Let’s say I chose to condition walking or breathing into my new pattern. So, here’s what I’d do.
All of these steps are important to create a breakthrough to lasting change. To set you free of those old addictions, habit loops and compulsive behaviors that are holding you back from living a life you love.
I’ve suggested all of these steps because I believe they all serve a purpose and worked in succession will lead to lasting change.
On a final note I want to talk about desire and commitment. Without first a burning desire for change, making a decision to do it and the work to get there and a commitment to never give up you’ll fall off the tracks. For me, after 20 years of yo-yo eating disorder behaviors where I would and I wouldn’t and I would and I wouldn’t I finally found my way to lasting change because of a fateful moment when I made a lasting decision, backed with a burning desire and a commitment to never go back. That moment was in 2005 and I’ve had lasting recovery from bulimia ever since.
I know it’s possible because if I can do it, you can do it. I’ll link to a few final videos you may want to check out that I made about making the decision and believing in possibility. These two areas of transformation really made the lasting difference for me.
I say with all my heart that I know this can work for anyone with any condition. It is possible if you’re willing to go through it to do it. There is no going around. You must go through to get to the other side.
From someone standing on the other side, I invite you through your tunnel now. I invite you to step into your pain that you’ve been avoiding and go through some minimal discomfort in order to come out the other side a new person. A person who can be with anyone, can face anything in their life and can be, do or have whatever they want for themselves.
It is possible. I’m living proof it can be done.
Will you join me on the other side? If so, share a comment below or email me privately to let me know how this process has changed your life. I read every email and reply to them personally, so I’d love to hear from you…soon.
During a group coaching and connection call I had with my secret Facebook group I was reminded how everything we feel is a result of the story we tell ourselves.
You see, the quality of your life, your present experience, the emotions you feel are a result of the story you’re making up in your mind.
Every situation. Every moment. They’re all stories.
Every thought you have about the past or future is a story. The data of life is filtered by our brain and stored in our mind as a story about the way things are, the way other people are…and even the way we are.
Right now while you’re reading this your mind is processing the information you’re taking in and there’s a dialogue going on inside your head. It may sound like…”Is this helping me?” or “I’m so tired, I should get off the computer and go to bed” or “It’s relaxing to read Polly’s posts and I always feel a little better when I do.”
Whatever your present emotion is it’s always determined by two things: (1) what you’re focused on and (2) the story you’re telling yourself about what you’re focused on.
Here’s my video about our storytelling and how to create better feeling emotions with intentional storytelling.
To summarize…you’ve got to pay attention to how you’re feeling and the story you are making up about what’s in front of you (or the past or the future you’re focused on) if you want to begin to feel better.
It seems like a lot of people have conditioned themselves with old patterns of storytelling that are disempowering, negative, and even hurtful towards themselves. It’s no wonder we’re so mentally exhausted by the end of the day…we’re doing battle every day with our mind!
If you had to go through life with a close friend who was always talking to you the way you talk to yourself you’d either cut them out of your life or slap ‘em! At the very least I hope you’d say something like “Geez! Do you always have to have such a pessimistic outlook?! Can’t you just see the bright side for a change?!”
Ok, maybe your story isn’t negative 100% of the time. Yet if you’re not living as happily as you’d like I guarantee it’s because of your old mind tapes, that disempowering storyteller in your mind, is stuck in a negative groove and keeps spitting out “what’s wrong” instead of “what’s right” about the world.
Know what I’m saying?! Uh huh…I thought you would.
If you want to be happier, you can start by noticing when you’re not feeling good. I know…seems counterintuitive. Yet this is where the problem lies. Let me explain.
When you begin to notice you’re in a bad feeling place you can then begin to become more aware your negative storyteller. Listen in for what story she’s making up that has things not going well or upset with the people around you or worse if she’s taken to beating you up for something you’ve done or haven’t done.
You’re always telling yourself a story, so start noticing the story you’re telling yourself throughout your day. Then the next step to feeling better is to begin training your brain to see the brighter side of things.
It takes practice. Boy does it take practice. [Just being real with you.]
Look…what’s wrong is always available. But so is what’s right!
Come on. You’re already living in the story you choose, so begin to be more deliberate with your storytelling!
Start telling yourself a brighter, better feeling story. Tell yourself empowering things about your life, the people around you and especially about the way you are. I guarantee you’ll begin to feel a little better each time.
Remember: practice makes permanent.
Practice. Practice. Practice.
Better feeling thoughts slowly build to a better feeling life.
I hope you’ll watch the video earlier for a little further explanation about how choose your thoughts and create new story with “bridge words”.
Your practice assignment: I invite you to notice the stories in your mind this week. Practice whenever you can noticing the story you’re telling yourself. Once you notice a negative story intentionally shift the story and you’ll shift your experience (emotions) along with it.
One good week of practice in shifting the story can begin to build momentum in a new direction. It’s like a new muscle. A better-feeling-storytelling-muscle. (…sort of has a nice ring to it, right?)
Practice your new storytelling muscle each day and let me know how it feels after a few days.
Here…let’s take a quick minute to start your practice right NOW.
What’s your present emotion?
Really…I’m asking you to pause for 5 seconds and check in with yourself and feel for your present emotion.
Whatever it is…is that the way you want to feel right now?
Would you like to feel a little better with your first practice? Great!
Ok, now that you know what you’re feeling look at what’s the story you are telling yourself in the background. Go ahead…listen for the story.
Just notice it.
Is it something that happened this week? Something that someone or you did earlier today? Are you in the future…perhaps afraid or anxious about something?
Ok, just notice what it is.
Now, what’s a better feeling story you can tell yourself about whatever is going on in the background of your mind? What can you tell yourself instead and feel better? Lean towards a slightly better feeling story (or step up to a really good feeling story!)
What story would move you up the emotional scale to a better feeling place? Just tweak the story slightly more positively or go more general about the topic. Shift the story just a little…or a lot…and your corresponding emotion will be better.
Did you do it? If you told a better story, now check in with yourself and ask “what’s my present emotion?”
Feeling a little better? Slightly or a lot?
This is the practice of living a deliberate life and it begins in your mind.
You have the power to shift your emotions…that fast.
Your experience of life really is up to YOU. Do you get that?!
You get to choose what you focus on and what you make up about what is. The story is yours to make up. Don’t be a sloppy storyteller.
Start to tell a better feeling story and you’ll feel better.
Take this into your week and I’d love to hear how it goes after a few days. If you really start to get good at this, you can shift the story quickly. I practice this all the time so I’m really good at first noticing when I don’t feel good and then shifting the story. Just takes practice to feel better.
It’s a lifestyle choice. Living in a beautiful state as much as possible.
Choose to feel better, do a little work and you will feel better.
“When you doubt your power, you give power to your doubt.”
I’m in a personal inquiry around playing a bigger game – and stepping up! It requires me to examine where and when I’m not playing a big enough game.
I received a letter of appreciation from a girl who lived in Australia thanking me for helping her find her way out of her eating disorder this week. I shared her story with my coach and she appreciated the story and acknowledged me for the work I’m doing to help people change their lives.
But, being a great coach she wasn’t done there. She called me back and said, “You don’t realize you’re already an international leader of transformation [for eating disorders]. It’s time to step up and start playing a bigger game.”
Damn coaches. They’re always right!!
As I started to take on the inquiry, “Ok, how do I start playing a bigger game?” it got me thinking of some things that I think directly relate to addictions like overeating, smoking or drinking.
Two key things keep us from taking massive action to make changes:
Lack of certainty – when we feel uncertain, or worse believe something is hopeless, we take little action and get little results. Instead, when we believe – or have faith – that something is possible, perhaps something amazing is possible, we take much more or even massive action towards it. Our certainty, our belief in possibility, naturally guides us into actions and the path towards the outcome we want. If it’s overcoming an addiction, we must first believe it’s possible and then possible for us if we’re ever going to do anything to make changes.
Lack of confidence – this is when we have thoughts of self-doubt or lack of belief in ourselves. I can relate to this one after living 20 years with an addiction. When you get locked into the endless loop of addiction where you say you’re going to stop, slip up, try again and slip again eventually you stop having faith in yourself to keep your word. Try having confidence when you can’t even trust yourself for one day.
The downward, self-fulfilling spiral of self-doubt can seem bottomless. The negative momentum of not believing in yourself attracts more like it to you. As your inner self-esteem begins to fade, the inner critic gets louder and more aggressive. After years of this self-abuse you’re a mere fraction of the powerful woman you once were. While to the world you can look accomplished and like you have your life together, inside you feel like a loser who’s both helpless and hopeless.
Yuck. That feels horrible just to think about.
OK…OK. Let’s move on to solutions shall we?
As I’m in the process of looking for ways to personally build up my self-confidence I’ve been studying teachings and receiving coaching in this area and wanted to share some insights for your journey to greater confidence, too.
Ways to Regain Your Power and Overcome Self-Doubt:
Take a Morale Inventory – I like the quote “know thyself” and this has been showing up a lot lately in my research. What a moral inventory could look like is finding 15-30 minutes to sit quietly alone somewhere while you take stock of your assets as a human being. You’re looking for any and all assets. Give yourself credit for anything! Notice the qualities that make you a good human being. The things you do, the way you treat people, your inner qualities that make up who you are. Take the full 30 minutes if you can so you can to build a really long list. Once you’ve completed your list, reflect on it like a 3rd Pretend you’d just made this list of a person you really, really admire and then notice how great it feels to realize that person…is you!
Celebrate Small Wins – with the addiction cycle and trying to quit, slipping back and trying again we feel like we just can’t get traction. Well, find an area of your life you do feel empowered in, maybe another small habit or something you’ve been procrastinating on, and make the change. Look for easy wins. Don’t belittle the importance of this process. When you set a goal, get it done and reflect on the win you’re re-training your brain to see you as a success. You begin to see yourself as a person who keeps their word and achieves what they set out to do.
Make External Commitments and Keep Them – put yourself out there a few times for others and follow through. This, too, will show you that you CAN be trusted. You are reliable and can commit and follow through on what you commit to.
Stand Up for Yourself – whenever you have an opportunity to stand up for yourself or tell someone your position on something, even if they could disagree or be upset with it, do it. We didn’t come here to get along with everyone or to do everything other people want us to do. It’s OUR choice how to live. Stand up for what you want, need and will allow into your life. This will fill your inner worthiness well. Big time.
Power Pose It – You’ve probably heard of the research that came out of Harvard years ago about how empowering it is for us to stand in a powerful pose for as little as two minutes. Standing like Wonder Woman, hands on our hips, head held high and breathing deeply can alter our emotional state of inner confidence quite dramatically actually. Try it every day and you’ll begin to build that inner confidence momentum.
Positive Self-talk – this one takes mindfulness, or at least a really good system of reminders. Throughout your day look for opportunities to praise, appreciate and talk kindly to yourself. I have morning rituals where I say nice things to myself and about myself every day. This stuff works.
Attitude of Gratitude – you’ve probably heard this one, too. Living with a grateful and loving heart is huge for being in a high vibration. Most of us are so focused on what’s wrong with us, the world and our lives that we don’t spend nearly as much time in appreciation. It’s a practice. Like push ups. Try it for a week…
Make a List of Your Accomplishments – either make a list of your wins in life, things you’ve done that you’re proud of, or each day make a list of 3 things you completed that day. As you begin to reflect each day on your accomplishments you will think you’re more successful. That will allow you to carry over that success muscle into the area you’re wanting a breakthrough in.
Which one of these will you take on this week? And what if you took on one a week for a month how much farther along could you be in 30 days?
Remember, if you’re trying to overcome a bad habit or addiction, the two areas you may need to work on in order to really decide and commit areBELIEVING IT’S POSSIBLE and BELIEVING IN YOURSELF. Once these two are in place you’re ready to step up and kick that habit for good!
I hope this has been helpful and I welcome your comments or questions.
I was reminded yesterday after a coaching call with a client how important possibility thinking is in changing our lives.
When we believe we can change our lives, we can.
“Whether you think you can or you think you can’t you’re right.” – Henry Ford
I share in the video below how in 2005 I created a new belief in possibility; the idea that I could change and stop binge eating forever by seeing someone else change.
I said to myself, “If that person can change, I can, too.”
There’s a lot of scientific data that says that if we can see someone else do it we begin to believe we can.
I think this is what helps people in group settings like Alcoholics Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous (among other places) find the leverage they need to stop their addictions. Where do you get your inspiration to change from?
I hope you’ll watch the video and learn how I went from resigned about a 20-year addiction to binge eating to believing in possibility again.
I’m so confident with possibility thinking, a decision and commitment to stop your addiction anyone can change.
I’ve been newly inspired to start a 30 Day Challenge by a dear friend of mine as we were out on a hike this morning. My friend Jenevieve (Jen) is stepping into a 30 Day Challenge for herself where she’ll be working on self-care; putting her needs first in her mind, taking care of herself so she has more to give (her kids/loved ones) and serve people better. She’s a dynamo and I’m so excited to be entering into this 30 day challenge with her.
I’m stepping up to my 30 Day Challenge which is to replace my negative self-talk and limiting beliefs that sound like, “I don’t know how to sell anything” or “I can’t sell anything.”
Both are bullshit and have been holding me back for decades and I’m saying ENOUGH!
As a lifelong habit hacker and teacher of how to replace bad habits with success habits I am so excited to take on this challenge!
I’ve been wanting to create my own products for years and have let these little limiting beliefs and thoughts that I created when I was six years old keep me playing small.
Not any more!
My bad ass self is aware of what’s going on and is stepping up to turn all of this around. NOW.
Here’s how you can join us, share your support and get support in return:
JOIN ME! I would love it if you’d join me in my 30 Day Challenge by choosing an area of your life that you’re frustrated with or just aren’t seeing the results you want and know you need to change. What’s that thing you need to do or what’s the area of your life that’s ready for a change now? Click and share it on my Facebook post NOW.
SUPPORT ME! – my commitment to my friend Jen (and now you!) is to post a video every day on Facebook of what I’m learning, my progress, and all of the insights I’m applying into my life. If you join me in this 30 day challenge, let’s support each other so share on my page what you’re learning and how you’re growing, too. Let’s have fun with it!
LET’S GO LIVE! – I’m planning to do a weekly live call on Facebook using Go Live (have you seen this in action?) I’ll do a Go Live every Friday through the end of the year. The first one will be Friday, December 1st at 1:30pm PT (California)/4:30pm ET (New York). Each week will be at a different time on Friday so like my Facebook page now and I’ll announce when they’ll be through Facebook each week. I expect to do other Go Lives this month spontaneously because this challenge has me newly invigorated and wanting to take massive action…so expect surprises along the way – I am!
I invite your support and welcome you to play with me. I really could use your love and encouragement and participation and want this to be fun!
I hope you’ll join the Facebook Go Lives, like the posts, chat and ask me questions or let me know how you’re doing on your challenge. If you’re not following my page yet, here’s the link:
I sense so much hope from this woman and her life’s message. To read about what she’s been through and how she is starting to rebuild a happy life for herself is inspiring.
Nikki was a fashion model who landed the cover of coveted magazines such as Maxim and Vogue in the peak of her career. While from the outside her photos portray a woman living the life many people dream of, beneath the surface she was dealing with severe depression, sexual abuse, anorexia, alcohol and drug abuse and much more.
The picture on these covers told a different story than what the hurt young girl on the inside was dealing with.
I had an opportunity to sit down and speak with Nikki about her memoir and ask her about her journey and life today. To listen to our interview, click below:
Making a Decision
One thing that was very clear to me in reading Nikki’s memoir was there was a turning point, a decision point, when she very clearly made a choice to take her life in a new direction. In reading and hearing Nikki during our interview relate how similar her mom’s life was to her own including the childhood abuse, the mental illness, eating disorder, and struggles with alcohol to the point that Nikki and her brother had an intervention with their mom to bring her back from the brink, it was clear the many obstacles Nikki faced growing up.
While I wish the story of Nikki’s mom had a happy ending, I’m afraid her mom lost her battle with alcoholism and eventually died when Nikki was in her early 20’s. That moment, that painful moment when Nikki lost her mom, was her turning point. It was a real wake up call to Nikki that if she kept going on with her life the way she was living she would no doubt have the same fateful and tragic ending as her mom did.
Nikki decided in that moment to get help. To take care of herself. To start a new course.
She said during our interview that she could see the signs of how sick she was and if she didn’t do anything she would end up dead and she didn’t want that. It was the first ever time she decided to love herself and take care of herself.
She decided she could mourn and grieve the loss of her mother, but not let it keep her from getting better. Instead, she got up and got help.
Nikki shares that while her modeling career was lucrative at times, she was also enjoying the high-flying lifestyle that comes with a modeling career and when she needed treatment she couldn’t afford the $500 a day that it can cost for in-patient treatment programs. She realized she would have to go it on her own and do what she could with what she had.
Nikki took steps to find a recovery mentor who worked with her to go through a recovery bible. She said the relationship with her recovery mentor and the support of her then-boyfriend really helped her along the way.
Courage to Keep Commitment
I found Nikki’s ability to decide to get support and help herself through recovery very courageous. She was strong and not only walked away from a successful career – albeit one that was killing her and causing her a lot of suffering – even when she didn’t know what she was going to do next. She also had to know the road ahead wasn’t going to be easy with the internal demons she faced every day.
I asked her how she kept her commitment to her recovery and didn’t relapse or fall back into the throws of her many old habits. On the one hand she said she didn’t feel very courageous. She said she saw it as survival. She said growing up in her family with all of the abuse and craziness she learned to do what she needed to do to stay alive. Recovery and the processes she went through day in and day out were a survival response to what she felt was otherwise going to take her life.
Nikki also said that making the decision to help herself and sticking to it no matter what it looked like was key for her. She said she clung to the idea, “I’m going to get better.” She tried different things including art therapy, journaling and said her newfound connection to God gave her inner strength when she said she couldn’t go on. Have a listen to the recording to hear how important a factor she says God played in her recovery and how she leans on his support each and every day.
I asked Nikki to share about any practices or rituals she engages in to keep herself on track and work her recovery. She named a few and I’ll do my best to summarize them:
1) Morning spiritual time – each morning before she gets out of bed she spends time listening to something to feed her soul. She likes Joyce Meyer’s podcasts and has listened to them for years. Before she starts her day with something like social media, she fills her mind with a dose of spiritual renewal. (Side note: here’s a link to my morning process if you’re interested)
2) Prayer and Connecting with God – she prays a lot, turns things she can’t handle over to God and connects and communes with him throughout her day. She said that she struggles daily and God has her back and helps her along the way when the darkness creeps up or she can’t handle things.
3) Gratitude and Journaling – journaling was a wonderful way for her to get her emotions and stories out of her where they couldn’t torment her from within any longer. She also practices lots and lots of gratitude for her life.
4) Laughing – she realized that taking life so seriously wasn’t working out so well, so she’s decided to lightening up. She surrounds herself carefully with people, places and things that make her feel good (including funny movies and uplifting music). Her friends are a source of light and laughter for her and she only allows things into her environment that support who she is now.
Rebuilding a New Life
Nikki spent the majority of her life living into an identity that other people thought of her. She took on the horrible things people said about her and to her and let that guide her down a dark and sad road that could have eventually killed her.
Today, Nikki still works on herself. She’s guided by the love and strength she finds in God and knows that she couldn’t do it without his support.
I think she’s on the road to becoming a very inspiring woman and will touch many lives. I see her spending the rest of her life helping many people because she had the courage to be vulnerable and share her shameful past. She doesn’t let her past shame her, but instead it has become her foundation to build an amazing life with. A life that I believe will touch, move and inspire many people along the way.
I hope you listen to the recording so you can hear her strength and softness. Nikki never claims to have things all figured out and she admits to working on herself each day. But she is standing up for herself and taking steps to chart a new course for her future. A future where her beautiful soul will shine on for many to see how you can overcome many of life’s dark challenges and stand tall and be happy.
Please share any feedback or questions for me or Nikki in the comments below.
In this chapter on Principle #7 – Social Investment there was a combination of personal and professional evidence for where our happiness and performance at work come from. And it’s amazing!
Social Networks Are Crucial for a Happy Life
In this chapter Achor shares how very often people under stress or overwhelm go inward. They retreat and pull away from people; some in order to focus and some thinking they’ll do better on their own.
Achor says that, “The most successful people take the exact opposite approach. Instead of turning inward, they actually hold tighter to their social support…Not only are these people happier, but they are more productive, engaged, energetic, and resilient.”
I love the study he notes in this chapter that he refers to as the Harvard Men study. It’s the longest running psychological study of all time and has followed 268 men from their entrance into college in the late 1930’s to today. Lots of data has been gathered in those 70+ years.
What shocked me – and I absolutely adore – is the director for this study for the last 40 years summed up his findings in one word when asked by the magazine Atlantic Monthy…”Love – full stop.”
L – O – V – E
That’s the answer…right there!
In fact, they said “70 years of evidence that our relationships with other people matter, and matter more than anything else in the world.”
Read that again, please.
“…our relationships with other people matter…more than anything else in the world.”
If you’ve been on this planet for any time you’ve probably come to this conclusion yourself or had a hunch anyway. But this study has some profound conclusions about relationships, social bonds and social support.
Achor says, “When we have a community of people we can count on – spouse, family, friends, colleagues – we multiply our emotional, intellectual, and physical resources. We bounce back from setbacks faster, accomplish more, and feel a greater sense of purpose.”
Wow and wow again.
I loved this chapter. It ties right in with what I have learned in my life and that is that we are love and we need love to thrive.The social interactions we encounter with friends and colleagues raise our happiness baseline permanently. Even simple water cooler chatter if it’s positive and friendly can improve our happiness and performance.
The Happiest 10% Among Us
There was a study conducted called “Very Happy People”. You know, those…outliers. The people on Facebook and Instagram who are constantly smiling and rejoicing with gratitude at how great their life is and what they love about the world.
Yeah, those people.
Well, in this study of the very happy people they found “there was one – and only one – characteristic that distinguished the happiest 10 percent from everybody else: the strength of their social relationships.”
“The more social support you have, the happier you are.”
Talk about a [success] formula right there!
If you get nothing else out of this book or my posts about this book, please do yourself a favor and make some friends or strengthen the bonds you have with those you already have. Invest time in your social support network. Make time for friends at the office, call or spend some time with your friends. And although the author doesn’t say it, I don’t think it matters one bit the number of social relationships you have as long as YOU think you have a lot of social support. This can mean a small intimate group of friends you know have your back and you adore or a larger circle you swim in of lots of acquaintances that brighten your day and help you feel connected to people.
Happy and Thriving Thanks to Social Connections
What’s fascinating as you read in The Happiness Advantage about the social support and connections that help us thrive and be happy is how fundamental it is. It’s part of our biological makeup even. We have an innate need to form social bonds. I remember reading about how babies who weren’t handled after birth have died. I don’t remember the studies or stats, but it was shocking to me how fundamental connection with other humans is to our well-being.
Achor reports, “When we make a positive social connection, the pleasure-inducing hormone oxytocin is released into our bloodstream, immediately reducing anxiety and improving concentration and focus.” He talks about how people with fewer connections and interactions socially suffer poor heath and are more likely to suffer from depression.
This probably doesn’t come as a s surprise, but the impact is a lot bigger than I realized before and it can even extend the length of our lives.Being a part of a breast cancer support group can actually double a woman’s life expectancy. Damn! Connect people, for heaven’s sake…connect! Connect!
Work Performance and Success Improved by Social Support
I won’t go too in depth like Achor does in this book because the purpose of the book is business based. Yet, allow me to share some valuable insights he shares in this chapter about work performance being boosted due to our social support system at the office.
“…over the long haul, employees with more of these interactions become protected from the negative effects of job strain.”
“psychological resourcefulness” and…”employees can work for longer hours, with increased focus, and under more difficult conditions.”
This sure sounds like what I experienced during the dot com boom days in Silicon Valley. People were like machines (and many still are) because the work environments were made so conducive to interacting and social connections. Just look at Google or any of the big companies that facilitate a lot of social interaction and fun in their work environments.
“…individuals who invest in their social support systems are simply better equipped to thrive in even the most difficult circumstances, while those who withdraw rom the people around them effectively cut off every line of protection they have available, at the very moment they need them most.”
“…social support is a prescription for happiness and an antidote to stress, it is also a prime contributor of achievement in the workplace.”
People we enjoy interacting with at work…”actually fuels individual innovation, creativity, and productivity.” Not to mention motivation and overall performance.
If you’ve ever stayed at a company and enjoyed your work environment I’d bet it had a lot to do with the people you worked with. Achor talked about how working with people we enjoy far outweighs status or bigger paychecks. People are more successful and self-motivated when they do work they enjoy…and do it with people they love doing it with.
He goes on to talk for quite a while about how valuable it is to have great interactions with our colleagues and managers. Great leaders should encourage social interactions in the office because it leads to greater payoffs. A study at IBM found something like every email contact a person had added $948 in revenue to the bottom line.
I’d like to sum it up with Achor’s statement, “all it takes, we have seen, is a commitment to frequent and positive social interaction.” Take that to the bank if you’re a business owner or manager!
I hope this chapter and the insights you’ve just learned about can help you in some way in your personal and work life. A simple prescription for happiness and thriving is really just spreading love and feeling the love as best you can. Invest in your social network, even when things seem busy or overwhelming. There is no greater predictor it appears to your longevity or well being that feeling connected to other people.
With love and light,
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