As I sit here I’m feeling a deep sadness – or perhaps a cocktail of emotions really.
A mixture of anger, frustration, sadness and disappointment. The remnants of lingering emotions from an earlier conversation today that was deeply felt by my spiritual self and sits with me tonight.
I am writing this because I thought it might be helpful for you if you’re still suffering with active symptoms of bulimia (binging and purging) to understand what it’s like when you’re on the other side and you’re confronted with yucky feelings.
I’m writing to you to let you know it’s not all sunshine and rainbows when you’re in recovery. The highs are definitely higher because I have the capacity to feel in ways I never could when I was numb to both my emotions and my body’s signals.
[polly_newsletter_form] There are times when I love being in recovery. No wait – I always love being in recovery. Any minute in recovery is 10x’s better than living with bulimia. [Good catch]
Let me re-phrase…
There are times when I’m reacting to my life with negative emotions that I wish I couldn’t feel all that I feel.
Now is one of those times.
I’d sure like to give someone else this whimpy body I feel I’m carrying with me. I wish I could have someone else feel the sinking feeling in my spirit that I’ve done something wrong, the craving in my heart to be held, the anger at the person who spoke their truth that sent knives into my skin, the pain in my eyes from holding back the tears.
What’s with all of this sensory input!?
Oh yeah. I remember now. This is all my emotional guidance system. That damn system my mentor, Abraham, is always talking about. (see video)
What gives me relief is knowing what I know now that I didn’t know 10 years ago when bulimia was running the show in my life and isolating and insulating me from everyone and every emotion in my life.
What I know now is that it’s completely natural to have emotions. They’re merely an indicator. These negative emotions are not because I’m sad about what this person said to me today. What I’ve learned is that I’m actually focused on what I don’t want and that’s pinching me off from my connection to my Source (the Universe). I’m not sad because of what they said which, at the time felt very painful to hear, but because I’m not focused on what’s in my Vortex…my future. I’m for the moment turning my attention towards what I don’t want – this person’s opinion of the situation which is different from how Source sees things. If what he said were true I would feel elated. Because I feel horrible I know it’s not my truth, but his. It hurts me because I listen to it and it’s not what Source is speaking to me now.[polly_book]
Thank God I know better because it would really suck to live with this feeling for very long. My great friend Wende calls it “having a pity party”. That’s always made me feel better about feeling sad.
What I know now is that I’m temporarily not letting my cork float. I’m temporarily ignoring the signal from my inner self, my higher self that sees only the good in the situation. I can’t talk all about what happened because I want to maintain a little confidentiality in this case.
Let’s just say all this negative emotion has created a ton of asking from the Universe to be shown a new course. A new direction for the next six months for my life. A new journey that will lead to bigger and better things for me and my happiness.
If you’re feeling feelings that are uncomfortable – those negative feelings like anger, frustration, sadness, anxiety, boredom, depression – then I hope you, too, can learn like I did that they’re only indicators from your inner wise woman that you’re not seeing the situation through the eyes of Source. You’re pinching yourself off from the well being that’s flowing to you because you’re not understanding the whole situation.
You know how after the depths of a really bad situation when you’re six months past it you say to yourself…”well that’s what that was all about! That really horrible thing that happened turned out to be a turning point in my life (was a huge blessing to me).”
The funny thing is while this person today was saying what felt like negative things to me he said “this is a gift“. In the moment he said that I knew it was Source trying to help me hear through what he was saying and remember to have hope that the gift would be shown to me.
The feeling I have tonight is still not aligned with my Source, but I’m allowing all sadness and anger to just be there. I’m welcoming whatever wants to be felt, whatever wants to express through my body, whatever wants to be said to you (and me as I write) to be heard.
This is healing at its finest. This is allowing emotions to flow.
This is not running off to the kitchen or bathroom to escape something that used to feel very uncomfortable.
The best medicine I’ve found for uncomfortable feelings is being with them. Just allowing them.
The thing I’ve learned is that when I would run and hide out in a binge is that the damn upset or negative feelings were still there after the whole episode. There may have been some temporary relief when I would just zone out for an hour in a massive binge, but the negative self talk after the purging was over was never worth the initial negative feelings.
Had to figure out how to be with upset, and anger, and sadness. Now I listen to comforting music, maybe blog (ha!), maybe drink some tea or a glass of wine. But I don’t escape. It’s way faster, way healthier to allow my feelings to express themselves instead of stuffing them down or running from them. They are actually really harmless and deep down I know they’re only there to provide me with new understanding – new depth of connection to Source.
Is any of this making sense?
Gosh, I hope so. I feel better just focusing on you and feeling better. And being vulnerable right now for being upset on a blog where I want to be inspiring all the time. Heck, I’m a beautiful spiritual being just like you so this must be ok because I don’t feel badly about what I’m saying. I feel relief in being honest and letting this all out.
If you’d like to learn more about your inner guidance system, here’s one of my mentor (Abraham-Hicks videos) about using it to find your happiness.