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The Inner Conversation of Self-Worth

I’m in the midst of an internal conversation around self-worth and worthiness.  Seeing the value I bring to the world.  What I call a “value conversation”.

This is not a new inquiry for me, but it’s one that I find myself deep in the midst of because I’m recognizing the results in my life financially are not what I want them to be.  I know from great teachers about the process of manifestation which states:

Beliefs –> Thoughts –> Feelings –> Actions –> Results

Thus, if the results I have in my life are not what I want them to be (and they’re not) then I must look within at the thoughts and beliefs that I have inside that are creating those results.
What sort of started this value conversation or the question of “what value do I bring to the world?” came after my last webinar. You see, at the end of the webinar I offered to people who were on the call (and later to my email subscribers) my 90 day intensive summer coaching where I would work 1:1 with people as their bulimia recovery coach and help them be bulimia free in three months.

I offered this level of support because I want so passionately for everyone with bulimia to overcome it and live a life they love.  To get on with their lives and do what they came here to do as spiritual beings.

I thought I did a good job of sharing what I could about neuroplasticity, neuroassociative conditioning and how the brain plays a big role in sort of keeping the ED thoughts and habits replaying in the mind.  I then shared about my 90 day rapid results coaching and hoped I’d hear from at least 5 or 6 new clients who wanted to sign up for my intensive program because….I thought…”wouldn’t everyone who has bulimia want to get on with their lives sooner rather than later?

I guess not.

The fact that no one…yeah, exactly z-e-r-o people contacted me about becoming a coaching client at first made me sad.

I felt like I had done something wrong.  I felt like I didn’t give it my all.  Maybe I said something wrong?  Maybe the video I did about it sucked?  Maybe people thought I was a flake?

You name it. The negative self-talk and pessimism washed over me like tar on a hot summer’s day.

I left for the Tony Robbins conference I was attending in Fiji a few days later quite empty.  Wondering what I did wrong.  Wondering what could I have done differently.  Wondering…what the f*ck was I going to do if I can’t even help one new person this summer!

How am I ever going to be a life and eating disorder recovery coach if no one signs up?

And then I went to this beautiful island (Savusavu) to attend this exciting, uplifting event in a bit of a haze…wondering what my future held.

You see, I work full time and blog/coach people about bulimia whenever I have a spare moment.  Up to the conference I spent every spare moment working on this blog and my site and trying to help people. I was actually overworking myself because I really, really wanted it to take off so I could do it full time.

I would like to help more people….a lot lot lot more people.  My heart is so open to this work that I feel I can’t give up.

I can’t stop now.

But my results look like crap from where I stand.

I coach people here and there, but not enough to support myself and quit my job.

So that’s what lead to this sort of breakdown and inquiry about my value and the value I bring to people.

At the Tony Robbins course they taught things like “to make a lot of money you have to add a lot of value” and “the Universe supports that which supports more of life“.  All things I believe in and understand at an intelligence level.

I understand, but I am not demonstrating mastery.

Mastery, I believe, comes when I’m living what I understand.  I’m a living example of what I conceptually get or believe about how the world (and I) work. I’m do-ing what I know.

You see I believe that the work of my life mostly takes place on the inside.  You may have heard “it’s an inside job” and I believe that absolutely is true with creating change in your life.  Creating the kind of transformation that helps me evolve as a human being, a spiritual being.

My latest transformation is focused on the realm of money.  This is not something I’m just starting to learn about.  Ooohhhh noooo.  I’ve been studying my conversations about money for many, many years.  The results have been about the same – a little better here or there – but for the most part I’m about where I was 15 years ago.  Sort of the pace with which I tackled bulimia I suppose.  Dang, that sucks just thinking about.

Well, I hope I don’t have 5 more years then before I crack the code to my financial belief system.  Nah, I don’t think so.  I think I’m actually right on the verge of it now.  I think the thread I’m following with studying my value conversation about myself is the right place for me to be right now.

A Positive Intervention

I had a call with a good friend (Jesica Davis) who is a card reader – what you might call (or she calls herself) a consciousness consultant.  She has one of the best vocabulary I’ve ever heard in my life and her way with words and how she shares concepts and connects the dots in her readings (and just her own evolution/growth conversations) is absolutely extraordinary.  A real gift.

Anyway, Jesica was kind enough to take the questions I have about my present situation and provide her reading for me over the phone. My questions to her were:

How do I create value for other people?” and “How do I come to see my own value and contribution?

What she shared was not shocking or surprising, but it was higher consciousness wisdom.

Her reading of my cards said things like…

value = money = worth and opinion of myself

Value is the connection of money and how we feel about ourselves.

All that is going right in my life right now is on purpose and I’m starting to operate at a very powerful level.  Notice my strength.  My groundedness.  I’m on the right path.  I’m totally committed to bringing all aspects of myself and what I’ve picked up along my journey to one powerful whole…my SELF.

My work is to silence my worries because I am re-birthing a new identity.  Like shedding skin.  There are new aspects of me that I’m presenting to the world – a new identity.

My self-judgment, my critic is what has had the louder listening in my ears lately.

I’m checking in with my ego, not my heart.  It’s time I started checking in with my heart and higher self again.  I am to check in with my essential self, my higher self which knows my self-worth and not my local or lower(ego) self.  The fact that I’m not seeing my own value is a young conversation about Polly not being good enough, smart enough, thin enough, working hard enough – you name it.  All of that is bogus.

It’s time for acceptance.

How to Create Value

So, asking the cards, “how do I create value for people?

What I present in my work is a moment of choice for people where they decide if they’re going to change.  I bring them to the doorway to access what’s possible for them.  What I offer is to bring you to a scary place for most people.  A place where they’re confronted with having to let go of what’s not serving them and step into a new realm for themselves where they have no excuse (eating disorder or any other excuse) but to live in their highest self with freedom, joy and love as the basis.

I bring people to a doorway to healing.

Jesica said that how I can serve people is with non-attachment to the presentation of what’s possible for people with love and support along the way.  I have been through the process and know what it’s like and I know what it’s like on the other side of that doorway – the fear.  I know it’s worth pursuing.  I know life without an eating disorder is so juicy and fulfilling.  Life free of the shame and secrets and regrets and pain of loneliness. It’s sooo worth the process and what I can tell you is that the process is only scary from where you stand.  It’s not scary in the middle or on the other side.  It’s just a fear of the unknown that makes it seem scary.  It’s quite painless actually.

She said that I have the ability and the opportunity to help people see what’s possible for themselves on the other side – the huge upside there is to living bulimia free.  I provide access for people to changing their lives based upon what they see they really, truly want.  But maybe don’t feel they deserve or will ever have from where they stand.

What I realize now from what Jesica said about the reading is that I provide access as a facilitator for personal transformation for people to experience more than a healthy life.  Eating/food/diets and all the stuff people think eating disorders are about will quickly shed away once you step through the doorway.  Accessing the unlimited power that lies dormant beneath the shield of an eating disorder is what people are most afraid of.

As Marianne Williamson said

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

When you peel back what you say is stopping you, then you have no other excuse but to be the best you you can be.

That’s my new mantra these days actually…”I’m going to be the best me I can be.

Anyway, back to the reading…

She said I must help people see that they have a destiny beyond themselves.  A destiny to serve others.  To do big things in the world.  To help mankind. To help the planet.  To help animals.

What I realize is I need to tap into people’s desire, deep, deep desire to make a difference.  To help more than just helping themselves.  Overcoming bulimia then is not to just help themselves, but to be of service to others.

I get that.

I have noticed people do more for other people than they will do for themselves.  I’m one of them.  You are, too.

When I asked “How do I see my own value/contribution?” Jesica said the card was The Speaker of Stones.  The card of speaking from total conviction.

I naturally have a gift of enrolling others.  It’s a natural process for me to share who I am and what I know and people respond to me.  When I do, I see my own value.

It’s time for me to take my attention off my negative self-talk and go down a notch deeper.  Down to the level of my inner wisdom.  I’m to speak from a place of greater authority.  My connection to Source and higher consciousness.

It’s time for me to talk from a place of KNOW-ing. It’s time to dare greatly and be the coach, the leader, the teacher I’m meant to be.  In order to serve, I must give and let go of my ego-self that doesn’t see my own value.

It’s time for me to trust the process.  Trust that the people I’m supposed to be bringing to their doorway are ready for what I bring.  Not everyone has the courage I do to stand at my doorway and step – or leap – into the unknown.  You see, I’ve done the leap so many times in the past 8 years since I stepped outside of my bulimia comfort zone that I’m now comfortable being uncomfortable.

I know the state of fear.  I know the gut renching desire that lies within people who are suffering in silence.  Whether it’s bulimia, alcohol, drugs, or any other coping mechanism.  I’ve pushed the envelope of my comfort zone many, many times and now know that it’s all in my head those fear thoughts.  They’re just stupid thoughts. I make them up.  When I take fear head on it falls away.  It’s just a thought and my fear/survival mind is just holding me back from becoming the best me I can be and I won’t stand for it.

Nope.  I won’t be held back by my ego.  My monkey mind.

I’m not afraid to put myself out there.  Hell, I just wrote this super long letter to no one in particular, but someone will read it.  Someone amazing like you.  Someone like you who wants something more for themselves, too.  You’re reading this because you know there is wisdom in relating to each other.  There is wisdom in watching and learning from someone who’s been there, done that.

And that’s good.

Watch and learn. 

Just don’t get complacent.

Don’t get to the end of this and not do something.

I’m not going to stop stretching once I write this, so don’t you either.

What’s Next?

What’s next for me is to begin acting from a place of KNOW-ing.  I actually started doing that when I started writing this piece.  This was my first attempt at being deeply authentic in new ways. In owning my identity as an emerging leader and teacher in the realm of transformation.

If you’ve been following me or have read earlier articles I hope you can feel and hear the difference in me.  I feel different.  I’m ready to play full out.  To participate in my own transformation as I help transform others.

One Final Thought

I’m moved to share something with you here.  It’s a draft of a personal mission statement I’m working on with a few friends.  Tony Robbins encourages you to have a personal mission statement that you read each day.  It’s sort of the compass of your life.  When you read it each day it reminds you to live according to the set of values and purpose YOU say are what you want to be in the world.

So, here’s what I’ve got so far…

My mission is to teach, lead and guide people through playful self-expression and unconditional love of myself and others so that all beings may be happy and free.

I hope I’ve inspired you to see something new for yourself.  That was my purpose for sitting down here to share with you.  If I have, please share a comment below.  If I have, more importantly, please take action.  Please contact me for support in coaching or do ONE thing that takes you outside your comfort zone and puts you into a new realm of being.  Participate in your own rescue.  You have the ability to change the course of your life right her and now.

Will you take action?

With much love,