[Friendly warning: this is going to sound like a complete rant ’cause I need to get this off my chest.]
I have been practicing my beloved morning process for happiness every day during this challenge (truth be told I do it every day regardless of the challenge because it feels so good!) and feeling better and better each day. This morning I was at Gymnazo (my local CrossFit type studio) and I had an awesome workout. I’ve been training hard for a Tough Mudder race in a few weeks and to train harder I was testing into the advanced level program at Gymnazo. I failed the test a few times in February and just this morning I finally passed their assessment.
Needless to say after training for four months I was over the moon happy with myself. I posted a celebratory post to my friends on Facebook, I shared it with friends on email and all the usual fan fare. The work day was going very smoothly and I was delighted with a new coaching client call I had and felt amazing after that. (I freakin’ rock!)
Everything was doing great and then I got a few texts from the ex and that’s when I felt like the floor was pulled from under me. Without going into too much detail it’s been a non-amicable divorce and I just want it to be over. I’m doing all I can to move things to completion and one thing after another comes up from this guy.
Well, today was yet another unbelievable request on top of many other outlandish requests that have come across the wires. For whatever reason, I was clearly not on my center and I let it take me off balance. I knew it was happening. I could feel it happening and I noticed I was resisting.
Part of me wanted to throw fists at the guy’s face. He wasn’t in the vicinity.
Part of me wanted to cry. So I did.
Then I told myself I shouldn’t face what’s happening and should turn my attention to the result I’m after (“I’m divorced and happy about it“). That didn’t seem to be the route to go either.
I squirmed and fought against thoughts and emotions left and right. It was like I was in that Alien movie and there was something inside me bouncing all over the insides of my body trying to get out.
All along I was feeling for my inner north – my Source’s guidance as to what to be and do.
I got nuthin’.
“Sit with it” was what I heard.
Sit with this crap? This fucking bullshit? This pain?
Well that sucks. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to create new things in my Vortex because I’m facing contrast. I don’t want to face contrast any more. I just want the good stuff. Just give me the good feelings and I’ll be happy.
Nope, that wasn’t helping any.
Just more inner turmoil the more I fought it. So I decided to take a few deep breaths, give up, give in, have some dinner and a beer and sit down here to share my battle. Be vulnerable and rant and show you it’s not always pretty on the other side. Life happens. We get knocked down. We want to give up. We want to fight back.
But I know too much to know that isn’t how things turn out. I know that “everything is always working out for me” and so I keep going. I’m practicing the art of “let that shit go” – that which doesn’t serve you let it go. Or as my friend says “how fast can you get off it?”
I don’t wallow (well, I wallow a little). I have a mini pitty party and then I plan to go to bed and release it. I know that I have an opportunity for the next few hours I’m awake to try to relax. To breathe. To settle into what happened and start to feel for my happy place. Then, I’ll go to sleep and tomorrow I’ll be happy again. This crap doesn’t deserve my happiness.
I’m not wiling to let these circumstances define me. I’m not looking for happiness to come from my ex, or the world or even for things to change honestly. They will be what they are but deep down I know that I am loved. I am part of the Universe and that means I am infinite. I am divine. I am amazing. I am worthy. And so it is.
Whew, just too a deep breath and let it out….ahhhhh [sigh].
There is something about sharing what’s on our heart with another human being that allows the energy to flow. Nothing’s changed in my life…the situation is still what it is, but my attitude is now different. I’m different. I’m bigger and better because that happened just now.
I appreciate you listening and hope this rant has somehow helped you in some way. Who knows…maybe this shines a light on something in your life that you could approach differently. Who knows…maybe this will just fade off my blog into infinity and no one will ever see or read it. That’s fine. I feel better and that’s what this is all about, right? If I spread good feelings instead of bad ones to those I love then I feel I’m doing ok. It’s my job to make myself happy and give it away to others. My happiness is my gift to the world.
I take happiness very seriously.
Actually, I take happiness very playfully!
Ha! That sounds a whole lot more in alignment, right? Yes it does.
Thanks for listening and if you have anything to share, please post a comment below.