Feeling frustrated [with yourself] and want to create a lasting change in your life? Here's…
You’re so fat.
Look at you…you’re exhausted and you look it.
You call yourself a good friend? You haven’t spent time with your best friend in weeks.
Yuck! Would you want to hang out with someone if they talked to you like that? No way!
I’m here to tell you that you, and all women, have a nasty voice in our heads that criticizes us all day long. That voice is practically driving us mad. Driving us to do stuff that is exhausting.
The more I’ve studied about how the mind works, the more facets I uncover about where these voices come from, what they’re designed for and why they’re so negative.
I’ve been studying a new program called The Queens Code from PAX Programs and the founder Alison Armstrong. The basis of the material is about understanding what makes men and women think differently because I’m wanting to learn more about relating to men in new ways (recently divorced).
I’m attending a workshop in Los Angeles this weekend called The Queens Code for Life and it’s all about defining what your Queen’s purpose is so you can live your most radiant self. It’s good stuff!!
The Ms Perfect Voice (The Inner Critic)
One of the most disturbing things I’ve learned about myself (and all women) is that there is a “Ms Perfect” voice in our heads. You know her. She’s the one who’s always in your ear telling you you’re not living up to her perfectionist standards. In my head she sounds something like…
You can’t wear that today.
You haven’t worked out in three days…what are you waiting for?
You haven’t called your mother this week You call yourself a loving daughter?
Ms. Perfect is all based in survival, or fear, and seems committed to keeping me from the qualities I value most (fun, freedom, and happiness).
While I’ve never named that voice in my head as Ms. Perfect before, I can sure recognize her so clearly now when the thoughts I hear in my head sound like survival and perfectionist. There was some freedom in doing the exercises we did in the workshop to help give her space and allow her to express that gave me a little freedom from her criticisms.
I used to think the criticisms were me just not living up to some ideal I’d set after wanting to achieve something in my life. For example, she’s always hounding me about the things I do such as how I spend my money. I take great pleasure from spending money in a few areas of my life and she’s clearly opposed to me spending money on anything that makes me happy, brings me love/connection or fun in my life.
Simply being still and listening to her bitching at me in my ear for 5 minutes as an exercise in growth was really upsetting. Yet, at the same time quite a relief. It’s sort of like living with pain on the side of your head and not realizing you’ve been banging yourself with a hammer.
Until you realize the source of your pain and suffering, you’re powerless to do anything about it. Now that I know she’s the source, I’m free.
Knowing that we all have a Ms. Perfect inside is very empowering. We ALL have her (men do not, by the way). I take comfort and power from knowing she’s inside my head and will always be there, but now I know what she’s up to.
Ms. Perfect is not the voice of reason trying to make my life better. Oh noooo. She’s the voice of unachievable perfection driving me to do things or not do things that keep me from being my highest, most radiant self.
What to do About Your Ms. Perfect
I was so wishing when the workshop leader spoke about this inner critic that in the end she’d say that we have the cure…the solution…the antidote for her. Sadly, there is none.
I think the way of navigating through your life aligned with your highest values is to begin to work with her. To be at choice. Conscious choice in the way you respond or not respond to her.
It’s important you realize that Ms. Perfect is imaginary. She doesn’t have a body. No car, no house, no husband. She has nothing. She lives in your head. And boy is she tricky. She will come on strongest when you’re feeling tired, overwhelmed, distraught, empty or lonely (and anywhere in between).
- It’s important to realize she exists only in your mind and she’s not you. Just by reading this and stopping for a second to contemplate your personal experience, I’m sure you’re already tuned in with some of her criticisms. If you’re deep in the experience of an eating disorder, then you’re probably consumed by her – even run by her every day.
- The practice of being more self-aware of the thoughts that appear to you that are critical, perfectionist and fear-based as coming from your inner critic is critical to regaining your power. I say practice because this is something you will work on. Something you may or may not be good at being aware of in this moment. From here forward, now that you know about her, I want you to notice when your thoughts are coming from her…not your highest most radiant self.
- When you realize a thought is coming from Ms. Perfect, next you want to have a way to interact with her that keeps YOU in charge; keeps you in your power. A few ideas for you to try:
- Tell the bitch to go fuck herself. You can be just as powerful in telling her off as you’d like to be.
- Give her a job. Tell her to go find that recipe on the internet, call your mom, ask for the check…you name it. In whatever situation you’re in, just give her something to do.
- Use your compassionate power. Tell her “I’m sorry you think that my thighs are to big.” Or “I’m sorry that you don’t like my boyfriend.” Then ignore her.
- Just acknowledge her for sharing. Tell her “I hear that you don’t like how clean my house is.” And then let it go.
For me I often just notice and say to myself “there she is”…and let it go at that.
What Does Your Ms. Perfect Sound Like?
I hope you’re starting to see the way that there is a Ms. Perfect inside of all of us and inside of you, too. It’s comforting knowing EVERY woman we come into contact with has her bitching away loudly all day every day.
I thought the exercise of listening to my Ms. Perfect spill out her usual crap in a focused way was helpful to me. So, if you’d like to get to know her a little more clearly I’d like to have you do some of what we did in our workshop.
Ask yourself what does she sound like? What words does she use? Does she yell at you or is it more of a passive-aggressive whisper? Is she cranky or smooth, does she have a special accent or a motherly tone?
Here are a few questions you can contemplate to allow her voice to come to the surface:
What’s wrong with my body?
What’s wrong with my diet?
What’s wrong with the way I spend money?
Try asking yourself these questions and allow the voice to just have space. Sit still for 2-3 minutes with each question and listen for her to come to the surface.
Your inner critic is ALWAYS right there with a few critical comments, so it won’t take long. It’s just a matter of allowing her to come to more of your conscious awareness now that you know she’s there and what her purpose is.
Get Your Queen Power Back
While you may be here because you have a really loud eating disorder/ED voice, it’s my experience that a lot of my clients see themselves as perfectionists. Really, I think a lot of what’s going on is Ms. Perfect is constantly just nagging at us for not living up to some ideal she has that we can never attain. Never satisfying her has us running to the kitchen or store for food to shut out the noise. It works for a little while, but we all know she’s right back there in our ear as soon as we’ve purged.
I think it’s time we all step back into our highest radiant selves and let our Queen shine. Being in your Queen energy means you tell that bitch to shut the hell up. Give her a job, tell her off, give her some compassion. Whatever you want to do..do it. Try a few different techniques until something works.
The more often you don’t listen or don’t act upon what Ms. Perfect tells you, the more confident you’ll feel and the more trust and inner power you’ll have to continue to follow your highest intentions. To be and live from your Queen energy.
I welcome your thoughts, comments, sharing below. I’d love to know what your Ms. Perfect says to you and what you’re going to say to her next time she is critical of you.
With love and light,